Applying Eckhart Tolle’s Deep I in relationships
I quit my job to start my own business during the pandemic. Last week, my wife dropped by in the middle of a writing session with a defeated, frustrated look on her face. Something at work stressed her out and she wanted to talk about it — in the midst of me being in a creative flow.
What am I to do? I did what I usually do, which was to put on the facade of a fake smile, and said the interruption wasn’t a big deal. Sometimes I put others before me at my own expense — I’m working on being more authentic, but that’s a story for another day. Boundaries, Alex, boundaries!
Anyway, as she began complaining about her job, I noticed I was getting annoyed. Annoyance was bubbling up in me over what I perceived as an inconsequential problem. And, at the consequential disruption of my creative flow. Doesn’t she know the world revolves around me yet?
Her company was swapping her office space for another without input from her. In the midst of her telling me how horrible this is, and how unappreciated she was at work, a thought appeared in my mind:
“I am annoyed”
Then, something interesting happened. I noticed myself asking myself:
“who is the I that’s annoyed?”
At that moment, I dropped the captivating story I was telling myself. The story of how justified I am, and how wrong she was for disturbing me in my creative flow. The question “who is the I that’s annoyed?” brought into focus that my previous thought: “I am annoyed” is coming from one of two places.
The first possibility is from the illusory self — ahh, the good old ego. The illusory self tells itself the story of how disruptive this conversation is. The illusory self wishes things were happening the way it wants them to happen, and not as they are. And, compares what is with what it wishes them to be. The second possibility is from awareness, what Eckhart Tolle calls the Deep I.
I realized I became the feeling of annoyance. I was not accepting the situation I was in, with my frustrated wife complaining about work. There was no difference between me and the feeling of annoyance. This realization opened up a space within me.
The spaciousness of the sky
Here’s an analogy to describe it: the feeling of annoyance is like a cloud obscuring part of the sky. In this analogy awareness or the Deep I is like the sky. Thoughts and feelings are like clouds blocking the spacious sky. I confused myself to be a cloud and forgot I was and will always be the sky in which clouds form. No matter how much I confuse myself to be something I am not, I will always be the sky of awareness.
This distinction relaxed the awareness I am from thinking I was the cloud of annoyance. Awareness relaxed back to itself and made room for compassion. I embraced my wife and made room for her suffering and my own. I saw in her someone captivated by the story she was telling herself and saw myself in her reflection. The only appropriate response on my end was to empathize.
Asking myself the question “who is the I that’s annoyed?” centered me in the seat of my Being and allowed me to accept what is. I was in a moment of creation before, and now I am not. This is what is, and so long as I come back to myself when I forget who I am, what is, is never a problem.
We finished our conversation, and I no longer thought “I am annoyed”. Instead, I was aware. allowing me to return to my work without much disruption.
The takeaway
Awareness has the habit of thinking it is what it is not. Awareness confuses itself to be the contents of experience. And, forgets it is, and always will be, the context of experience. Next time you notice anger, frustration, annoyance, ask yourself:
“who is the I that is angry, frustrated, or annoyed?”.
It won’t stop you from getting angry, or frustrated, or annoyed, but, it will shift the way you relate to your emotions and others.